No longer with us

Original post date: 12 September 2014

A little while ago my participation in Purina New Zealand Bootcamp challenge was mentioned. That’s all going perfectly fine, thank you for asking.

When participating in this, Purina wants to know a few personal details from you. Logical. For lack of a better word this is called a “profile”. The word “profile” is actually pretty well suitable here, so it’s no wonder that a better word is lacking. But I digress…

I don’t fill in my own profile of course – I have pets for that. That’s probably for the better anyway, since my paws are too big for speedtyping. Whenever I want to type one letter, I automatically type 5 or 6. Should you receive an SMS from me saying “hyujnbg j9ui7ok8l” – I ment “hi“. Some humans are exactly the same. But I digress…

The information contained in a profile can be changed, or “updated” if you wish, to accommodate changes in circumstances. Logical.

Now here is the thing: one of the updateable options in this Purina profile is a tickbox simply stating: “Sadly, he is no longer with us”. How insanely brilliant is that!?!

No longer with us

Just think about it: how simpler things would be if this was applied to all animals (thus: including humans)? Whenever someone goes on to meet their 72 pussies in the big litterbox in the sky (aka: the skybox. Ha. Haha. Get it? Skybox. Oh my, I’m hilarious), all you have to do is simply tick a box: “no longer with us”. No filling out 72 million different forms, no contacting 72 billion different helpdesks, no reliving that painful fact 72 gazillion times every time you have to explain what happened. No, just one simple tick in a box: “no longer with us”.

“Sadly, no longer with us”. And imagine – you could apply exactly the same in case of divorce. Or when a flatmate moves out. Or when someone went on holiday. That’s the beauty of the expression: it does not include a time-factor. “Sadly, Mr Jones is no longer with us. He went out for lunch, try again in an hour.”

The expression “no longer with us” is of course already used when someone gets fired their position realigned with the company long-term strategic goals. Except that in this case the word “sadly” is usually omitted from the statement.

“Sadly, no longer with us”. This will, of course, also give a whole new meaning to the expression “to put a tick in the box”. But I’ll leave it up to you to ponder about that one – can’t spell everything out for you.

Anyway, if you’ll please excuse me: there’s a fly buzzing in front of the window that, shortly, will no longer be with us. Sadly.

UPDATE: tick

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